Anonymous: Out of physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse, homosexuality to a new life

Anonymous, Canada

I was born into a family that was totally dysfunctional in every way shape and form. My mom and my dad were serious alcoholics and abusive to each other. I believe that when I was born it was just for the pleasure of the moment. I was born in Scotland and at the age of six we moved to Canada. I don’t remember much of a happy life. My dad and my mom would drink and come home and tear each other apart.

I was always in the way and they used me as a puppet. My father would pull me out of bed, my mother would fall asleep under the influence of alcohol, and my father would take advantage of me. His pleasure was to pull me out of bed, sit me on a hard chair, and torture me. I was mentally drained. I thought this would never end. His pleasure was to kick me with his army boots which caused severe damage to my lower back. I’ve had so many blows to the head; it caused damage to my sight. Even to this day, I cannot see right. I’ve had two major operations. I wanted to die.

I was looking for a way in my early days to run away only to find myself back home again. My punishment would be more torture. I used to hide in the closet so he would not know I was home, but he would find me and find excuses to get more drunk. The biggest blow to me that my own dad in his drunken state would sexually abuse me. I felt dirty and ashamed but I had no strength to fight back. The anticipation and fear of this abuse haunted my mind day and night. There is not one night that I could remember not being pulled out of bed and being abused. I had a chance to run away like many days that I tried to run away, but this was different.

One rainy day I was walking on a street, with no plans and nowhere to go. It felt good to be free and away from home. Someone saw me and pulled over and asked me if I needed a ride. I was startled. I took the ride. He knew something was up. He began to talk to me and he said “I’m going to church and if you have no place to go, would you like to join me?” I said “yeah”. When I got to the church I found myself in a safe place where no one could hurt me, no one could beat me. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay there. I felt secure and loved. They talked about God. They talked about eternal life. They talked about no pain. It got my attention. I had nothing to lose. When I saw how happy and loving these people were, I wanted to have what they had. I found myself asking Jesus to heal my loneliness, to come into my heart, and be the dad that I never had.

Eventually I went home and never had a chance to go back to the church. My father realized that I was different now and put a stop to my having anything to do with Christianity. Out of fear I stayed away from church.

Many years later when I was of age I was living in the sin of adultery and I fell into homosexuality. I was just looking for acceptance and this was the only way I felt accepted. I got a telephone call that my dad was dying and he wanted to see me, but I didn’t want to see him. I wanted him to die. That’s just the way I felt. Against my will, I found myself at the hospital, and there I saw my dad. It didn’t look like my dad. His kidneys had failed him and his liver was shot from the abuse of alcohol. I found myself at the foot of the bed face to face with my dad after so many years of bitterness.

I was crying and my dad was crying. I was caught up in the moment. What do you say to a dying man what I felt didn’t matter. This was different. Tears kept mounting up. He said, “Son, please forgive me. I truly love you.” It was so emotional. I had never seen him sober before, but he was a dying man. I just felt that maybe he was feeling guilty. I found myself in an awkward place, so I said, ” Dad, get some sleep now, I’ll see you later, but later never came. He died a few hours later. The next day, we were making arrangements for his funeral. I met with the clergy who told us in the family just hours before I saw him that he wanted to see and talk to a clergyman. He repented of his sins and he had tears from his eyes and he asked Jesus to come into his life. I was told that his face changed and there was something different and I believe there was a reason why I had to be there at that time.

I was living in my addiction, the gay life style. I was not happy. My life was messed up. My dad dies and he gets to go to Heaven. I was bitter about life. I thought to myself, “life is not fair”. I was living in a relationship of the same sex for many years. I was not a happy camper. I felt this would last forever and my partner contracted AIDS, my worst nightmare.

There were moments I looked back when I found myself talking to God. I never forget that time when I was younger and went to church and learned that God could help me. After an eighteen-year homosexual relationship, my partner died. I thought this was the end of my life. Everything is gone now. What do I do? I found a comfort of drugs and alcohol to help cope, but nothing helped. I still had to wake up the next morning and those feelings were still there. I wanted to do away with my life. I took pills and alcohol but failed to take my own life. I kept pondering on “I’ve lost everything”, my job, my reputation, and what was left of my family.

As I sat in my car, God quickened me to remember that moment long ago, the person in my early days who took me to church and told me about Jesus Christ. This was my only hope. I believe it was a God thing. Why not? I had nothing to lose. I’d lost everything anyway. I left my car, went up to my apartment and at that moment I pulled the telephone cord out of the wall, locked myself in the apartment and fell to my knees and was asking for help. I kept weeping and I kept weeping. There was a mighty battle going on. I felt satan and his demons and God and his angels fighting over my soul. I kept weeping, then I began to feel a shifting. Then I saw Jesus with a smile on His face. I lifted my hands and touched the hem of His garment. As I was holding on to it, satan let go. Jesus embraced me, and I was free. I felt Jesus’ arms surrounding me. He said, “You’re home now, you belong to me!” In that moment, I was free from the bondage of homosexuality and any holds that satan had on me. That part of my life is DEAD. And now I live because He lives in me. Jesus is the answer. Jesus is the way. Jesus is the life. In Him I am complete. It is now ten years. I AM A FREE MAN! I HAVE MY IDENTITY! AND HE IS THE DAD THAT I NEVER HAD! The Bible proclaims “When anyone is joined to Christ he is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come.” ( 2nd Cor. 5:17)

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